Twice Shy Read online

  “There’s nothing wrong with needing a little help sometimes,” Joel said.

  “Yeah, well.” There was when your competence as a parent was being questioned in the courts. “I know, but—”

  “Like this,” Joel said, and scooped Luis up, setting him on his shoulders, one big hand clamped around Ollie’s leg to keep him onboard. “How about that, big guy?”

  Luis giggled, and Ollie winced as Luis’s little fists tightened in Joel’s hair. “You really don’t need to—”

  “I’m happy to, Ollie, if it’s okay with you that I carry him for a while?”

  Perhaps it was the authority in his voice, or the way he said Ollie’s name, but Ollie relaxed and nodded. “Sure, okay. Thank you.” He bent down to retrieve Joel’s broom handle and handed it to him. Their fingers touched, and he experienced that same electric jolt he’d felt in the Rock House last week.

  He wondered whether Joel felt it too or whether he was simply imagining the sensation, but Joel had slipped his sunglasses back over his eyes and all Ollie saw was his own reflection gazing back.

  As soon as they finished and reached the crowd at the head of the beach, Alyssa grabbed Ollie to help distribute stickers to the competitors. So he didn’t get a chance to say anything besides a quick ‘thank you’ when Joel lifted Luis from his shoulders and handed him back. But Ollie watched him for the rest of the event.

  Joel spent most of the afternoon marshalling the kids into their various runs—starting with preschoolers and ending with sixth graders. He gave Luis a big thumbs-up as he and Ollie toddled the length of the beach in the preschooler run, and the sight of him cheering them on made Ollie’s stomach give a silly flutter. Easy to imagine having someone like Joel in his life, a partner to share all this with. But, as he’d learned to his cost, few guys wanted to take on two small boys. At least, Axel hadn’t wanted to, and Ollie couldn’t blame him; they’d only been dating for a few months when Jules had died. After they’d split, Ollie had put all thoughts of dating aside, mostly because he was too tired and strung out to think about it. Also, soft play areas and mother-and-baby groups weren’t exactly ideal places for a gay man to find romance.

  Now, his budding friendship—was that the right word?—with Joel was making him realize how lonely he’d been these past two years. How starved for male company, even the platonic variety. He’d left all his friends back at CU Denver when he’d come to Long Island in the immediate aftermath of the accident, and although they’d tried to stay in touch it hadn’t worked out. On the one occasion Ollie had gone back for a weekend he’d felt like a ghost haunting his old life—places and people looked familiar, but he just couldn’t relate to lives that seemed self-absorbed and shallow compared with his own, and yet so free and simple he wanted to weep with envy.

  After that, he’d let the friendships fade. No point in torturing himself with what-ifs.

  But Joel was different. Older, for a start—although not that old—and with some baggage of his own. Plus, he liked kids. Genuinely liked them rather than just tolerating them so long as they kept out of his way.

  A case in point came later that afternoon, when the sixth graders were running. Joel had watched all the other events, but this time he got in there with the kids. Ollie smiled at the way he towered over them as they clustered around him eager for attention. But when the whistle blew, and they set off, Ollie realized Joel was running with one kid specifically. Something about the way the girl loped along, limbs flailing, didn’t look quite right, but she was concentrating hard and keeping up with the rest of the pack. A couple of times Joel steered her back onto the track when she threatened to veer off and Ollie noticed Joel was using his body to keep a space open around her. Once, she tripped and went sprawling in the sand. Ollie expected Joel to help her up, but he didn’t, he just stood back and made sure nobody else tripped over her while the girl scrambled awkwardly to her feet and ran to catch up, Joel jogging along behind. By the time they’d finished the whole loop—which was a long run for anyone—the girl was panting hard but smiling despite her sandy knees. Joel clapped her shoulder and bent to say something in her ear that broadened her smile into a grin. When Alyssa came along, handing the kids their competitor’s medals, the girl rolled her eyes like the rest of her friends (way too grown up at eleven for a cheap plastic medal), but nevertheless she hung it round her neck before she headed off to join her waiting family.

  Joel watched her, looking pleased, and exchanged a wave with the parents. Yeah, Ollie thought, this is a guy who likes kids. Which was great because liking kids was essential in any friend of Ollie’s; he and the boys came as a package, after all. Buy one, get two free.

  Ollie didn’t see Joel again to talk to until after the adult run had finished, everyone had been exhorted to collect their sponsorship money, and people started to leave. As usual, it was the same handful of parents who stayed behind to clear up.

  Not that Ollie minded. It had turned into a glorious, almost warm fall afternoon and the beach was still novelty enough that he didn’t mind hanging out there a little longer to fold up tables and collect the trash people had left behind. Even better, Rory and Luis were playing happily together, digging in the sand near the steps to the boardwalk. He made the most of a little quiet time.

  “Hey, need a hand?”

  Ollie looked up from where he’d been kneeling in the sand beneath a folding table, trying to figure out how the mechanism worked. Joel stood on the other side watching him. He looked so wholesome standing there with his short hair riffling in the breeze and his navy windcheater half unzipped—like he’d stepped out of a catalogue of outdoorsy fall fashion—that Ollie felt a sudden, impish urge to unzip all that teacherly decorum. “I’m trying to figure out how this thing works,” he said instead, ducking back beneath the table.

  “There’s a clip...” Joel joined him, crouching down opposite and reaching under the table. Ollie did not look at the stretch of jeans over taut thighs. “Here—” There was a bar that fitted into two plastic clips, Joel undid one side and Ollie, once he saw how the thing went together, unclipped the other. Which was when the table collapsed onto their heads.

  “Ow, shit!” Ollie said, struggling out from beneath the table.

  Joel was rubbing his hand but smiling. “Architecture, you said?”

  “Hey, that’s different from engineering.” He looked at Joel’s hand. “Are you okay? Did it get you?”

  “Yeah, I’m okay.” He shook his hand out and got to his feet, dusting sand off his ass. Nice ass, not that Ollie was looking. “I, um, was actually wondering whether you…” Joel cleared his throat, squinted over the beach toward the boardwalk and frowned. Ollie looked too, afraid Rory and Luis had gotten into trouble, but they were still playing happily. When he turned back around, Joel had picked up the table. “Whether you…know where we’re putting these?”

  Ollie was pretty sure that was not what Joel had been about to say. But Joel’s sunglasses were sliding back on—shields up—and he was making a show of looking about for a pile of tables. “Over by the steps,” Ollie said. “Jackie’s ‘other half’ is bringing a truck down.”

  “Great.” Joel headed off, table under one arm, and Ollie picked up the black plastic sack he’d been using to gather trash and followed thoughtfully. He didn’t think he’d imagined that handbrake turn in the conversation. Or, rather, the emergency stop followed by a swift three-point-turn and pedal-to-the-metal escape. What had he missed?

  With Alyssa, Ollie, and Joel helping, it didn’t take them long to load the truck. Jackie’s ‘other half’ was a bluff guy with graying hair and a stout middle, and if he had a first name Ollie didn’t catch it. But he seemed nice enough, willing to help with what was obviously Jackie’s raison d'être, and you had to respect a guy for that.

  “You need help unloading at the school?” Joel asked, sounding hopeful, as if he’d like nothing better than to spend another hour of his weekend hauling tables around.

  But Jac
kie, on a post-event high, air-kissed both his cheeks, lashes fluttering. “No, no, you go home Mr. Morgan. Enjoy your Saturday evening. You’ve already given up too much time as it is.”

  Ollie felt a little guilty, but he didn’t volunteer to go back and help either. Luis and Rory were tired and hungry, even if they didn’t know it yet, and, to be honest, so was he. So, when Jackie and her ‘other half’ drove off, with Alyssa following in her own car, it left him alone on the boardwalk with Joel. Who made no attempt to leave or to speak, just stood there gazing off into the middle distance, deep in thought.

  Ollie allowed his gaze to linger, wondering what had Joel looking so pensive. Despite his easy-going nature, Joel Morgan seemed like a deep guy. “Well,” Ollie said eventually, “I’d better get these two fed and watered before someone has a meltdown.”

  Joel nodded, but as Ollie turned to head back to the beach Joel called out, “Hey, Ollie?”

  The low sun sinking behind the town was blinding when Ollie turned around and he had to lift a hand to shield his eyes. “Yeah?”

  “You, er—" With his back to the sunset, Joel’s expression was hidden in shadow. “You want to grab a coffee?”

  Ollie blinked in surprise. “Like, now?”

  “You probably need to take the kids home.”

  He did, but he also had a strong feeling that if he took a raincheck this might never happen again. And although he wasn’t sure what ‘this’ was, he was also sure he didn’t want to miss it. “They’d probably love a hot chocolate. Actually, there’s no probably about it.”

  Joel’s sudden smile looked like it had been startled out of him. “Yeah? Okay. Great.”

  And Ollie found himself smiling back, thinking Is he interested in me? Is this a date?

  It kind of felt like a date.

  But it couldn’t be. Could it?

  Chapter Ten

  It’s not a date.

  Joel told himself that repeatedly as he waited while Ollie strapped Luis into his stroller and gathered all their stuff together. It’s not a date, it’s just a casual drink with a friend. A platonic friend. Which did not explain his racing pulse or the fluttering anxiety—excitement?—behind his breastbone.

  “Okay,” Ollie said, standing up from the stroller at last. “Who wants a hot chocolate?”

  “Me!” Rory’s hand shot up like he was in class. “With marshmallows?”

  “We’ll see.” Ollie glanced at Joel. “Ready to go?”

  “Sure.” The wheels of the stroller rumbled over the boardwalk, making Luis giggle and conversation difficult. Even so, Joel felt unexpectedly light as he walked along next to Ollie, Rory between them holding onto the side of the stroller. Light and a little precarious.

  “So, I saw you racing,” Ollie said once they’d reached the sidewalk. The sun, sinking behind New Milton, hung low in the sky and filled the town with golden light. It glanced off shop windows, dazzled drivers, and brought out the rich russet in Ollie’s hair, lending his pale skin a golden hue. He smiled, and Joel’s heart tripped over its own feet. “Were you running with that one kid? The girl who fell over?”

  “Beth? Yeah. She’s got some coordination issues that make it difficult for her to run. She gets embarrassed when she trips or can’t keep up. I was just…providing moral support.”

  Another smile, mostly in Ollie’s eyes. “I noticed. It was kind of you.”

  “Sort of my job as her teacher.”

  “This is your weekend, though. You’re off the clock.”

  Joel shrugged. “It’s not like—” He stopped when a small hand took his and he looked down to find Rory smiling up at him.

  Heart squeezing, Joel said, “Hey there, buddy.”

  “Can you swing me?”

  “What?”

  “Rory…” Ollie was holding Rory’s other hand and wearing an interesting expression, not quite looking at Joel. “Mr. Morgan doesn’t want to—”

  “I don’t mind. You mean like this?” He swung his arm back and gave Rory a little swing forward, lifting him onto his toes.

  “Higher!”

  He glanced over at Ollie and lifted an eyebrow.

  “He’ll pull your arm off,” Ollie warned, but had shifted so that he could push the stroller one-handed and swing Rory with the other.

  “I think I can handle it.” Feeling strangely giddy, he said, “Ready, Rory? One, two...three!”

  Together they swung Rory up and forward. He squealed, chortling, and demanded “Again, again!” And so it went, all the way along Main Street. Ollie wasn’t wrong about the shoulder, but Joel couldn’t have cared less. Rory’s delight had him laughing—and Ollie too, an unexpectedly deep, rich chuckle. Joel glanced at him and their eyes met. It was a bare look, honest and expectant, and Joel’s pulse skipped, afraid of what Ollie might see in his eyes. He looked down at Rory’s laughing face and got ready to swing him again.

  When they reached Dee’s Coffee Shop, Ollie called a halt to the game. “Okay, okay, that’s enough. I think I’ve got one arm longer than the other.” He pantomimed it, making Rory giggle and Joel grin so wide his cheeks hurt.

  Dee’s wasn’t crowded late on an off-season Saturday afternoon, so there was plenty of room for Ollie to maneuver the stroller inside. While he grabbed a table next to the window, Joel headed to the counter. Dee was just emerging from the kitchen carrying a tray of homemade cake, her pink glasses pushed up into her spiky purple hair. “Hey there,” she said, smiling. “How are you doing, Joel?”

  “Good.” It was only when he said it that he realized he meant it for once. He did feel good, energized in a way he hadn’t for... Well, a long time. Somewhere in the back of his mind warning bells were softly chiming—ding-ding-danger—but he tried to ignore them. It was just coffee, for crying out loud. “I’m gonna need a couple of hot chocolates. Do you do a kid’s size?”

  Dee looked up from where she was sliding the tray of pumpkin spice cake into the display case. “Sure. Are you with Ollie?”

  He stilled. With Ollie? What did she mean with Ollie? “I, um—” His cheeks heated tellingly. “We were helping at the fun run, we’re just getting coffee on the way home.”

  “Sure.” Dee’s voice remained neutral but there was a speculative glint in her eyes that made Joel nervous.

  He wasn’t out here, and he hadn’t been kidding when he told Amy he wasn’t keen on going through it all again—especially not as a teacher. Enlightened as New Milton was, there’d inevitably be some parents with antediluvian attitudes, and he knew how easily the whispers would start. Hey, I saw Mr. Morgan out with Ollie Snow—yeah, the gay one. Do you think he swings both ways? The thought turned him cold.

  “So hot chocolate for the boys,” Dee prompted, interrupting what Amy would have called ‘a downward spiral of catastrophic thinking’. “Ollie likes a hazelnut latte when he’s treating himself. And for you...?”

  It was no accident, he supposed, that Dee knew Ollie’s favorite order but not his own. He was surprised she even knew his name; he hadn’t exactly been Mr. Sociable since he got here. And for good reason. Socializing meant questions and gossip and rumors. Especially when you were a teacher. For his own peace of mind, he preferred to keep his private life private.

  After he’d paid for their drinks and a couple of slices of pumpkin spice cake, plus two chocolate chip cookies for good measure, Dee said, “Take a seat. I’ll bring it all over.”

  By the time Joel returned to the table, Luis was strapped into a highchair kicking his legs noisily against the wooden frame, earning a disapproving frown from the only other customers, a young couple on the other side of the coffee shop. Joel gave them a hard look and sat down, back turned. People needed to learn a little patience. Kids could be noisy, sure, but they were as much part of society as everyone else—and they had a right to be kids. Next to him, Rory sat on a regular chair working on a coloring book that Ollie had magicked up from somewhere. Joel couldn’t ask him because Ollie had his head down, rummaging in the huge bag o
f tricks he kept under Luis’s stroller. He’d slung his jacket over the back of a chair and the snug sweater he wore was riding up a little as he reached down, revealing a bewitching strip of bare back above well-fitting dark jeans.

  Joel stared. He couldn’t look away, overcome by a flood of imagined sensations: sliding his hand beneath the hem of Ollie’s sweater, feeling warm skin against his palm, the muscular flex of a strong male back. His pulse raced, gooseflesh rising all over his body in a swell of intense arousal the like of which he’d not felt in a long, long time. Maybe never.

  “Got it!” Ollie straightened up, a green plastic bib in one hand. “I knew I had it, Lu— Oh, hey.” He smiled, and that bright expression stole Joel’s breath.

  His taste in both men and women had always run toward lithe and athletic—long limbs and firm bodies—and Ollie was pressing all his rusty buttons. Helen had too, although that’s where the similarities ended. Where Ollie was all dark sexy curls, Helen had been sleek and blonde. Where Ollie was willowy, Helen had been statuesque. And where Ollie was full of energy and insecurity, Helen had been poised and confident—a woman who’d known what she wanted. And what she wanted had turned out to be Simon Lewis, Joel’s impeccably straight boss.

  “Hey. I ordered for us all. Hope that’s okay?” Joel swallowed, very aware of the heat in his cheeks. “Two kids’ hot chocolates, and Dee said you like hazelnut latte?”

  Ollie’s smile widened, and he pushed his hair out of his eyes with one hand. “I do, thanks.” Slipping the bib around Luis’s neck he said, “How much do I owe—?”

  “Nothing. My treat.”

  Their eyes met and there was no mistaking the question in Ollie’s look. Joel doubted he was kidding anyone that this was ‘just a coffee’. He returned a weak smile and ran a hand nervously through his hair.

  “That’s generous of you,” Ollie said. “Thanks.” He was smiling down at the table, a hint of pink in his cheeks. Hell, the guy was cute.